What Makes a Person Empathetic?

I was driving home after running a few errands when a thought floated into my brain: why do some people become more empathetic and sensitive after going through a difficult time in their own lives while others don’t? There are, of course, certain personality types who are kinder than others but I’m talking about people who change during the course of their lives.

I pondered the question before parking it in my mind, awaiting a response from my subconscious brain. Or for my mind’s resident muse to proceed like a knight moves on a chess board—two steps straight and one to the side. These responses invariably emerge when I’m in the shower, out for a walk or occupied in some other mundane tasks that don’t require a great deal of attention. Why is that? I have an opinion, but that’s a whole other kettle of fish. It could even be another post.

Let’s return to what we—my subconscious mind, the resident muse of the side-step and I came up with. It is in no way backed by research. At least, none that I’m aware of. And is likely only one layer of a much more complex idea.

Empathy is sparked when you tap into a strand that connects you to another person. It’s often a recognition of either having been in the same boat as them and understanding what they’re experiencing. Or entertaining the possibility of you or a loved one being in a similar situation. This thread of a shared understanding sets empathy apart from sympathy. As author Charles F Glassman puts it,

“Kindness begins with the understanding that we all struggle.”

ACROSS A NEWSROOM

About 8 years ago, I reached out to a colleague who was struggling emotionally after the death of a parent. To make things worse, everything she knew and understood was falling apart around her as well. This included family relationships, work and finances. It was enough to break the strongest of people.

I too, had been through a very difficult time in my life a few years earlier, even though it was caused by a whole different set of circumstances. Viewed strictly from a practical perspective, my situation had perhaps not been as dire as my colleague’s, even though it had triggered a complete breakdown. But when I did emerge from it, I became more sensitive to other people’s pain than ever before.

I could sense her dismay, confusion and absolute rejection of life as it was. It moved me to see her sitting at her desk, in a bustling newsroom, trying to maintain appearances and keep her job. She looked desperately alone and utterly lost. I had no idea how I could help but I knew she needed it. So, I did what I could without making too big a deal of it.

I would ask her to join me for coffee during a break and let her talk about whatever she felt comfortable discussing. I’d check in with her during the work day or we’d step out for a stroll after work. These are all very small things but to someone going through a dark time, they can be the best part of their day. I like to believe that the ripples created by kind gestures can sometimes withstand tides of despair. Perhaps, that’s what author and motivational speaker, Leo Buscaglia meant too.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

Over time, my colleague became a friend. I’m certain none of this would’ve happened had I not been through my own trials.

NO ONE IS IMMUNE

We all like to believe that we would be more resilient when knocked over by life’s blows. It’s a nice thought but there are times in life, especially after a major setback, when nothing goes your way and you feel utterly miserable, incompetent and invisible.

Such periods of time can shatter the self-confidence of the cockiest of characters and try as they might, their shakiness seeps through the cracks in their façade.

Yet, it is through the same cracks that light enters, making them more empathetic, even protective of someone else who is struggling. What then, sets such people apart from those who may have been through their own trials but are unbothered by another’s problems?

THE PEAK-END THEORY

According to psychologist and Nobel Prize awardee, Daniel Kahneman’s Peak-End theory, people judge experiences based on two factors—the peak which may be the best or worst highlight of the entire experience, and how the experience ends. This impacts how one remembers events.

My idea is that perhaps, people with empathy are those who remember not only the peaks and ends of their bad experiences but also, how those events made them feel, especially the frustration, sadness and lack of confidence. And they never let go of the memory of how intense and all-encompassing those emotions felt. They do so, not because they want to hold on to pain, but as a reminder of how pain feels and to use that knowledge as a salve.

I read somewhere that it takes a great sobriety of spirit to know your depths and your limits. I’d like to add to that. It is challenging times that introduce us to our limits and depths. When I was struggling, I was taken aback by the forcefulness of my feelings and by the realisation that I was capable of being both better and worse than I could’ve imagined. That knowledge makes one less judgmental of others and more open to others’ insights and experiences. That is why, I hope, you, my reader, will leave a comment to let me know of your own experiences and ideas on the subject.