Conversations to Know People Better

I believe that if you want to get know a person, you must see them with different people (some important to them and some only incidental) and in different situations—after a fight, after a win, after a loss, at the end of long, tiring day or raising a toast to someone else’s success and in interactions with people who don’t have their advantages—in terms of affluence, education or some other signifier of status. I’m sure we all know someone who feels better about themselves having corrected a waiter’s pronunciation at a restaurant or after snapping their fingers at a salesperson in a store. It’s a dead giveaway of a lack of self-esteem.

However, if you don’t have such access to the person you’d like to figure out, here’s another one. Late night conversations. I have long believed that late nights are the hooks on which people hang up their disguises, out of weariness. Putting up a front for the whole day is heavy work indeed. What’s that they say about the Sun seeing your body while the Moon sees your soul.

Back to late night conversations. The next time, dear reader, you’re having a conversation with someone and the night is past its youth, (though if you’re like me, it seldom does) ask them an open-ended question or at the very least, a question which elicits an answer followed by an explanation for the answer. One such query is: What is a quality in another person that most impresses you?

The answer can be very revealing because it carries many tales and can even be a piece in the mosaic of a person’s character. You might, sometime later, reflect on whether the speaker themselves possess that quality or not. It means different things depending on the quality mentioned.

For instance, if your companion is impressed by punctuality, it may follow that they value time (at least, their own!) and are also very punctual. Else, it could be a trait they wish they possessed, yet it eludes them (perhaps, because they are bad at time management, prone to last minute changes of plan or pack their days like a hoarder’s cupboard!). Either way, if you’re paying attention, something unsaid will reveal itself to you. That is the beauty of real conversations—chats that are about more than the ins and outs of life, trends and events.

Let’s imagine you and I were having just such a conversation. The stars are twinkling, a light, cool breezes rustles through the foliage while nocturnal creatures chirp in the distance. I’m not clever enough to guess your response (feel free to write it in the comments), so I’ll share my answer instead.

A quality that impresses me tremendously in others is empathy – where a person can set aside their own ideas, emotions and thoughts in order to understand another’s point of view or situation without the presence of that interloper called Pity. And relates to them as an equal.

True empathy isn’t performative or grand. It is unassuming, gracious and found among the little things—being considerate of other peoples’ needs, being thoughtful of issues they may struggle with or trying to view matters from their perspective and lending a hand whenever possible without making a show of it.

The way I see it, empathy and its active form, compassion mean treating others the way I would want to be treated were I in their position and having the humility to understand that the current circumstances of our lives are a result of numerous factors, of which our own efforts form only a very small part.

Some people are naturally compassionate and kind. Others gather empathy after having weathered a few knocks. There’s no shame in that. In fact, it’s shows that you are capable of emerging better even from things that didn’t work out in your favour. Not everyone has that grace. An oft-repeated quote by Roald Dahl that fits well here,

“The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.”

I agree but would like to add to it. It’s not just what you’re made of but also what you want to be. It is possible to change and grow, if we so will it. Often, the seed of such a transformation is aided by our admiration of a quality in someone else.